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#copyrightpage[
Copyright #sym.copyright 2026 by Mica White
#linebreak()
Any resemblance to actual persons or events would be very disappointing.
#linebreak()
First edition
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#p[
#[I had been awake for nearly 23 hours now, and yet I was still dreaming.]
#[Oh Teresa, how I miss you. As hard as I'ved tried, I could not get you out of my head. I want you to come back. But I needed you to go away.]
#[Every time I closed my eyes I saw you. I would blink and in the darkness, it is your face I saw.]
#[I always wondered what should I have done? Is there something I could've done to keep you here? Oh, if only I could go back, I'd think of something to keep you beside me. To think I let you go so easily. I wouldn't let it happen again, I swear!]
#[I wished I could just stop thinking of you. I thought it might be better if I had never known you? All those memories feel so tainted now. For a time, I did not want them. I went through so much trouble for you, and I could go through so much more, but I've never felt anything like what I felt after you passed.]
#[This night went on for a very long time and it showed no sign of stopping. I couldn't sleep, for if I did, I'd dream of you. I did everything I could do to stay awake. I tried taping my eyes open, but the tape always comes off. My hands held them open. My eyes strained to stay open. If I so much as blinked, I'd regret it dearly.]
]
#p[#[*_Ding!_*]]
#p[#[My phone went off, startling my eyes to send me into darkness. Into a nightmare I tried so hard to avoid.]]
#show: page-black
#eyes("closed")
#p[
#[I found myself stretched out across a couch. Ths sun was shining bright that day. I had to cover my eyes to keep it out. I let out a yawn, and stretched out my arms and legs. One of my legs bumped into something. I looked ahead to see my beautiful Teresa, looking back at me.]
#["Good morning, Frank!" she said, in the sweetest voice I have ever heard. "Did you have a nice nap?"]
#["Yep," I groaned, as I got myself sat up next to her. She had a sketchpad in her hands. It contained a half-finished drawing of what looked to me like a teenage boy, but I've never been good at telling that sort of thing. "What are you working on?"]
#["Oh?" She looked down at the sketchpad she was just using. "This is my brother. His birthday is coming up, and I thought this might make a good present."]
#["Oh yeah, Jeff." I was still struggling to wake myself up from my nap.]
#[Teresa put down the sketchpad on the armrest next to her, then turned towards me. She always has the best smile on her face. She could get excited over literally anything. My waking up was probably the highlight of her day. "So, did you get those tickets?"]
#["Huh?" My brain was still waking up. "Oh yeah, those. I got them yesterday." We were planning a trip to Spain as a summer vacation. We both loved to travel. I guess we both liked to see the different cultures and learn from them. "I also checked, and the hotel we were looking at is pretty close to the airport, so we shouldn't have trouble walking there if we need to. I also got the hotel reservation."]
#["Great!" Teresa practically squealed with excitement. She leaned over to hug me. "It seems like you got everything covered for us. It'll be a great trip!" She left a kiss on my cheek, in exchange for my proactivity.]
#["As long as we don't get stranded at the airport again..." Our last trip had us up all night, waiting all night. There was nothing I could do to prevent that.]
#["Oh, quit your worrying!" She stroked my cheek. "That's not gonna happen again!" That was just a one-time thing.]
#[With the benefit of hindsight, she was right, but I wasn't convinced at the time. "Alright," I said reluctantly. "I'll stop worrying."]
]
#p[#[It was then, when I jolted up from this dream.]]
#show: page-white
#eyes("open")
#p[
#[My mouth gaped open. The sight of her face was burned into my memory. I hated both seeing her, and not seeing her. Like a cold shower you never want to enter, and never want to leave.]
#[When I awoke, I was still looking towards the nightstand, still illuminated by dinging phone. I looked around just to remember where I was, and started to reckon with the fact that Teresa was not here. Why could her death not be the dream? Why could this not be the nightmare?]
#[I knew that before I could check my phone, I must first do more to ensure that I did not blink again, lest I go through another nightmare.]
#[I grabbed some more tape. I cut it into several pieces. I put a couple on my eyelids, and left the rest to the side in preparation for it to come off. I held my hand on the tape to help it last. All the while my eyes strained to stay as wide as possible. The average person blinks 15 times every minute, and I was trying to bring that down to zero. Sure sounds impossible in retrospect, doesn't it? In truth, maybe I was blinking that whole time and I just didn't notice most of them. But I doubt that would have mattered to me then. I just needed to make sure I didn't see _her_.]
#[I picked up the phone to see what the fuss was about. I was careful to make sure the sudden light did not disturb me this time. The notification was for an email I received, telling me about a new comment on an old blog post I wrote.]
]
#quote("\"Nice! It seems like you had a lot of fun! Can't wait to hear about more of your adventures.\"")
#p[#[I knew this must have been an old post, because I had no recollection of ever writing it. I opened the email and scrolled up to figure out what on Earth I had written about.]]
#quote("My girlfriend and I spent the week together on a trip to visit her relatives in Connecticut. On our journey we went hiking, saw some neat sights and critters [...]")
#p[
#[This was just about the worst message I could have received at this time.]
#[I gritted my teeth, and let out a small yell. I wondered why I ever opened the phone in the first place.]
#[I tossed the phone to the other side of the room, hitting a lamp and knocking it over. I honestly didn't care to check whether either the lamp or the phone survived.]
#[In a stroke of foolishness, I buried my face in my hands. The room was so dark already. My hands hid the last of the remaining light. And in the darkness, Teresa's face came to me once again.]
]
#show: page-black
#eyes("closed")
// The other memories don't allow Frank to change what he was doing. It's kind of bizarre that he would be in control of anything here. If he were in control, he'd probably try to change the past, which he cannot be allowed to do.
_Crap, I'm driving._
#p[
#[I looked around my surroundings to get my bearings. I just needed to make sure I didn't crash into anything before I figured out where I ended up.]
#[Once I was sure I wasn't about to die, I looked to my right and saw Teresa, talking on the phone.]
#["Yes, we really enjoyed our trip! Right, Frank?" Her eyes turned towards me.]
#[I was still getting acquiesced to this situation. "Yeah, of course. There were so many neat critters and sights." I could only think to quote my own blog post at that time.]
#["Those last minute complications with the hotel were annoying, but Frank pulled through, like he always does."]
#[_Oh, right. That._ I finally turned to look towards her. She had that same bright smile I always loved. Her family loves so much. It's not hard to imagine why. And Teresa loved them back. She always made sure to keep in touch with them, and tell them about all of her great stories.]
#["Frank, look out!"]
#[_Oh shit!_ A car was pulled over in front of me, and a police officer stood just outside. I slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting either one of them. It's a good thing Teresa saw it when she did. I swerved a bit to the left, and still just barely missed them.]
#[The officer did not look too happy. Neither did Teresa. Her face was uncharacteristically neutral.]
#["Hey, let me put you on hold for a sec... Yeah, we're okay. We just need to take care of something real quick."]
// FIXME: This is a terrible and rushed interaction.
#[The officer walked over to Teresa's side of the car. He already held a slip of paper in his hand. Without saying a word, he handed the slip of paper to Teresa, and walked back towards the other car.]
#["Are we free to leave?" I asked.]
#["Get out of here before you cause another accident!" he yelled back.]
#[Teresa looked at me and I looked back. Then, I shrugged, looked ahead of me, and started driving again, careful to avoid the officer.]
#["So, we're good?" she asked.]
#["Yeah, I guess." I let out a deep sigh. "Sorry about that."]
#["No, it's fine. I think you handled it well." She spoke in a tone that made me not really sure she believed that. She rang up her mom again. I guess we took long enough that her mom must've hung up. Or maybe Teresa did. In any case, Teresa called her mom back. She still had a small smile on her face, but not quite the one that I was used to. "Yeah, we're okay. Don't worry about it."]
#[Of course, Teresa would never have willingly told her mom about what happened. She was always so optimistic about the future, and she never dwelled on the past. I remember her being stern the rest of the day, but I never really knew what she was thinking.]
]
#show: page-white
#eyes("open")
#p[
#[That wasn't the best moment to remember. I turned off the phone, in the hope that I would stop remembering it. It must have been a nice trip, if it was worth writing about. And I can't say that I don't remember it well now. But the journey couldn't have been that great. I didn't think that was something I needed then.]
#[I kept wondering what I should have done in that moment. I needed to make sure it didn't happen again. Was it my fault that it happened? Maybe I shouldn't have been going so fast. Maybe I shouldn't have let Teresa distract me. There were so many things that I could've done. Who knows how each scenario would play out?]
#[I told myself to take deep breaths to calm down. I tried to do so. But the breaths kept getting quicker and heavier. I nearly brought myself to hyperventilation. I felt like I was going to throw up. I began a gag reflex, tilting my face towards the ground, and closing my eyes.]
]
#show: page-black
#eyes("closed")
#p[
#[Hurry up! I'm getting soaked!" Teresa jogged down the driveway, gesturing me to come towards the house. I started running to catch up with her. In her hands, she held a small package covered in gift wrapping paper. On top were the words, "From Frank, To Teresa".]
#["Don't open it without me!" I shouted back.]
#["Then hurry up!"]
#[When we got inside, Teresa was was sat on the couch. Her fingers were already gripping the edge of the wrapping paper. She left the door open behind her, leaving me to close it. "Be patient," I said. "Don't ruin your own wrapping paper."]
#[She lifted the package and twisted it to study it more closely. "Is this the paper I made?"]
#[I sat down next to her, smiling. "I could only use the best paper."]
#[She carefully peeled the tape off of the package, not wanting the paper to rip. When she finally got it removed, she saw a crochet hook inside. The grip was rounded in the back, and flat on the front. She picked it up and looked at it in awe. "It's surprisingly comfortable. I can't remember the last time I had a hook like it." She gave me a hug, and I hugged her back. "Thank you, honey."]
#["You're very welcome."]
// FIXME: I set up the fact that it's raining outside, but I never alluded to
// the stocking being outside.
#["Oh!" Teresa jumped out of our embrace. "I'm going to get that stocking I was working on and try it out." She got up and walked towards the door to get it off the porch.]
#["Wait a minute." Teresa was already outside. I waited for her to re-enter the house. Instead I heard her scream.]
#["Damn this rain! Damn weather! The stocking is ruined! Now I need to do it all over again!" She stomped back inside. She dropped the felted sock onto the ground and marched straight past me.]
#["Do you want to take a rest to calm down?"]
#["No! The crochet will calm me down!"]
// FIXME: The outburst from Teresa doesn't have its full weight, because
// there isn't a full reaction to it from Frank. I need to think about
// how Frank should feel about this, and how he should express that
// feeling.
]
#show: page-white
#eyes("open")
#p[
#[I made a loud, deep cough, but nothing came out. My breathing slowed down. I didn't vomit. I regained my composure, standing back up straight. I let out a heavy sigh.]
#[Then I started thinking. _Crochet! That's a great idea. Maybe that will calm me down._ I had helped Teresa on many of her projects, and she taught me much of her skill. I wasn't up to her level, but I could do something simple, like a dishcloth.]
#[I walked towards one of the drawers we had in the kitchen. We never had lots of space for her supplies, so we kept it in a kitchen drawer. I pulled out her crochet hook, a pair of extra-sharp scissors, and a bobbin of hand-dyed yarn. I carried all of them back to the couch I had just imagined sitting on, but with one fewer user.]
#[I made a loop with my thumb and index finger, and pulled. I tightened the loop with the hook, making a slipknot.]
#[I think I made a realization at that moment. In truth, I don't think I ever really cared about crochet. I only ever did it because I wanted to spend time with Teresa. I enjoyed it, but not because of the crochet. And here I was, bored and alone. And after some point, I decided I had enough. It did nothing but remind me of her. I put everything down, for all I could do was weep.]
]
#p[
#[And so I did weep.]
]
#show: page-black
#eyes("closed-tear")
#p[
#[I held a letter in my hand, addressed to my darling Teresa. I kept debating whether or not I should even hand it to her. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe there was something else I could do. I couldn't help but wonder if I was doing more harm than good. I held my hand over my face. Teresa was still getting lunch with her sister. I had time to reconsider what I was working on. I already had a suitcase packed, leaning against the wall next to the door. I had no idea how Teresa might react to what I wanted to say.]
#[I crumpled the letter in my hand and left it on the coffee table. I decided I would take a shower to think. I'd be out before she got home.]
]
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#p(indent: false)[
#[I spent more time in that shower than I wanted to. I just couldn't stop thinking about what I planned to do. I lost track of time. And the warm drops of water felt so good. Even if I couldn't tell which ones came from the showerhead, and which ones came from my face. Teresa and I weren't good for each other. I still believe that to this very day. So many arguments and so much stress. I always said she would be the death of me. The letter on that coffee table might have saved me, or both of us, from each other. But at what cost?]
#[Our shower drain was very clogged. I kept trying to fix it. The tub was half full at the point, and I knew it was time to get out. As for what I was going to do...]
#[I think I would have hidden that letter. I'm sure our next conversation would've been traumatic after that. But I did think that being transparent would be better. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I hardly even was. I just don't know.]
]
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#p(indent: false)[
#[I took one very long deep breath before leaving the bathroom.]
#[And Teresa was there.]
]
#p[
#[She was there, sitting on the couch. The letter wasn't where I put it. It was in her trembling hands. Her face was so cruel to me. Where were her beautiful eyes? Why was the world so cruel to not let me see them, even one more time?]
]
#p[#"The eyes that stared at me only had a mix of sadness and rage. No beauty."]
#p[
#[Her voice wasn't the same either. It was loud. It was broken. There was no hope in it. It said things I wish I never heard.]
#["Do you not love me anymore?"]
#["You're a coward!"]
#["I cannot believe you would give up this easily. I can't believe you wrote this!"]
]
#set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(5%, 0%, 0%, 100%), cmyk(10%, 0%, 0%, 100%), dir: ttb))
#p[
#[Before I knew it, she was gone. She had marched off to the bedroom, locking the door behind her. Her voice wasn't yelling any longer. I could only hear her stomps and whimpers. Her eyes were no longer there to torture me, yet somehow I could still see them.]
]
#p[.]
#p[..]
#p[_Sigh_]
#p[...]
#p[What did I do wrong?]
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#eyes("open-tears")
#p[
#[I woke up in a panic. The yarn was still on my lap. The crochet hook was still in my hand. The scissors were still on the armrest beside me. I didn't know what to think, or what to do. I just kept wondering how I could possibly make that mistake. ]
]
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#p[
#[I saw Teresa weeping behind the door. She must was wondered how she got so unlucky to end up with me. How did I get so stupid to let go of her?]
]
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#set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(0%, 0%, 1%, 1%), cmyk(0%, 2%, 2%, 0%), dir: ttb))
#p[
#[Of course that wasn't the best I could do. I only hurt the both of us. I could've done anything else, and I picked the worst choice.]
]
#p[]
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#p[
#[Teresa pounced at my neck, felling me to the hard floor. She screamed at me, "WHAT KIND OF IDIOT ARE YOU?! WHY DID I EVER WANT YOU?!"]
]
])
#p[
#[I didn't really want to leave her! In truth, I could never say what I wanted to say to her face. It's like she said. I tried to leave because I was a coward!]
#[These visions just wouldn't leave me alone. All I wanted for for them to leave me alone.]
]
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#p[
#[Teresa and I were in a warm embrace. She whispered to me, "Don't worry so much, Frank. Even when we're apart, we're together. And I love every moment we're together."]
]
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#p[
#[That last one was actually nice. Teresa. That smile. Those eyes. Your joy. I just wanted to feel that again. I tried to. I closed again to see her.]
]
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#p[
#[Teresa looked at me through from the driver's seat of the car. Her eyes held so much hatred. "You really hate me huh. Maybe I should just kill myself. Then we'll see how you feel."]
]
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#p[
#[*"NO! THAT'S NOT YOU!"*]
]
#p[
#[I wasn't thinking straight. All I wanted was for the visions to stop. But my eyes couldn't stop showing me these horrors. In the absence of light, all I could see was her. It was stupid, but I could only think of one thing to do. Hell, I didn't even think. It was instinct.]
#[The scissors I needed were still on the armrest. I picked them up, opened them, and thrust them into both eyes simultaneously.]
]
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#p[
#[Everything was dark. All I could see was Teresa. Biggest mistake of my life.]
#[I had just realized I was hyperventilating. My breathing started to slow down.]
#["Teresa, come back to me. I don't know what I did wrong, but if I could go back, I'd find a way to fix everything. I don't know what I need to do. But I would do it if only I could learn! I could save you!"]
#[No response came to me. Not from Teresa, nor my visions, nor the neighbors, who probably heard me scream.]
]
#p[]
#p[
#["If I can't have you, then at least let me have my memories. Let me hold on to the good times we shared."]
]
#p[
#["Please?"]
]
#show: page-red
#eyes("bloody")
#p[
#[I was in the living room, slowly, but surely, unpacking my things. Teresa had just told me how she felt, and I was inclined to believe her. I felt like such an idiot. So much effort was wasted. And what came of it? How was I supposed to face her now?]
#[I heard the bedroom door creak open. I sighed, dreading what I was about to see. But I didn't sense any anger from her. I heard her whimper from beyond the door. I turned to see her just barely peeking through. Teresa got startled. She hid her facxe behind the door, and then slowly emerged from it.]
#[She wiped a tear from her eye. "You're not?" She opened the door, and walked through, still keeping her distance from me. I just shook my head.]
#["Thank you... I-" She didn't finish her sentence. She slowly walked towards the door. I guessed that she just wanted some fresh air.]
#[I decided to finish her sentence for her. "I love you."]
#[She looked down and started crying. "I love you too." She walked out the door.]
]
#p[
#[And then, I saw her point of view. Maybe it was all my crazy imagination. I can never really know what happened. But I'd like to believe it was true.]
]
#p[
#[Teresa was hoping that a car drive would calm her down, so she got in. She took a beat before starting the engine. She must've wondered if it was the best idea to be driving in her state. But for one reason or another, she decided to take off.]
// Maybe she should try at least considering this sooner. Her arc is kinda rushed right now.
#[She drove for hours as it got darker and darker. She pondered her own actions. She wondered what happened between us to make me so miserable. She struggled to remember all the arguments we had. Of course she didn't remember. She never thinks about the past. That's why she's always so happy. And when the sky was fully black, she closed for eyes for a second to weep. _I'm sorry I made you want to leave,_ she thought.]
]
#p[
#[#text(size: 24pt, [*_BEEEEEEEEPPPP!_*])]
]
#p[
#[Her thought was interrupted by the blare of a car horn. But by the time she noticed it, it was already too late. She let out a scream, and crashed into it.]
]
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