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Diffstat (limited to 'main.typ')
| -rw-r--r-- | main.typ | 103 |
1 files changed, 53 insertions, 50 deletions
@@ -149,17 +149,17 @@ First edition #eyes("closed") #p[ - #[I found myself stretched out across a couch. The sun was shining bright that day. I had to cover my eyes to keep it out. I let out a yawn, and stretched out my legs. One of my legs bumped into something. I looked ahead to see my beautiful Teresa, looking back at me.] + #[I found myself stretched out across a couch. The sun was shining bright that day. I had to cover my eyes to keep it out. I let out a yawn, and stretched out my legs. One of my legs bumped into something. I looked ahead to see my beautiful girlfriend, Teresa, looking back at me.] #["Good morning, Frank!" she said, in the sweetest voice I've ever heard. "Did you have a nice nap?"] #["Yep," I groaned, as I sat up next to her. She had a sketchpad in her hands. It contained a half-finished drawing of what looked to me like a teenage boy. "What are you working on?"] #["Oh?" She looked down at her drawing. "It's my brother. His birthday is coming up, and I thought this might make a good present."] #["Oh yeah, Jeff." I was still struggling to wake myself up from my nap.] - #[Teresa put down the sketchpad on the armrest next to her, then turned towards me. She always has the best smile on her face. She could get excited over literally anything. My waking up was probably the highlight of her day. "So, did you get those tickets?"] + #[Teresa put down the sketchpad on the armrest next to her, then turned towards me. She always had the best smile on her face. She could get excited over literally anything. My waking up was probably the highlight of her day. "So, did you get those tickets?"] #["Huh?" My brain was still waking up. "Oh yeah, those. I got them yesterday." We were planning a trip to Spain as a vacation. We both loved to travel. I guess we both liked to see the different cultures and learn from them. "I also checked, and the hotel we were looking at is pretty close to the airport, so we shouldn't have trouble walking there if we need to. I also got the hotel reservation."] - #["Great!" Teresa practically squealed with excitement. She leaned over to hug me. "It seems like you got everything covered for us. It'll be a great trip!" She left a kiss on my cheek, in exchange for my proactivity.] - #["As long as we don't get stranded at the airport again..." I groaned, for that was one thing that I could not prevent. Our last trip had us up all night, waiting for any plane that would take us.] - #["Oh, quit your worrying!" She stroked my cheek. "That's not gonna happen again!" That was just a one-time thing.] - #[With the benefit of hindsight, she was right, but I wasn't convinced at the time. "Alright," I said reluctantly. "I'll stop worrying."] + #["Great!" Teresa practically squealed with excitement. She leaned over to hug me. "It seems like you got everything covered for us. It'll be a great trip!" She left a kiss on my cheek.] + #["As long as we don't get stranded at the airport again..." I groaned, for that was one thing I could not prevent. Our last trip had us up all night, waiting for any plane that would take us.] + #["Oh, quit your worrying!" She stroked my cheek. "That's not gonna happen again! That was just a one-time thing."] + #["Alright," I said reluctantly. "I'll stop worrying."] ] #p[#[It was then, when I jolted up from this dream.]] @@ -167,9 +167,10 @@ First edition #eyes("open") #p[ - #[My mouth gaped open. The sight of her face was burned into my memory. I hated both seeing her, and not seeing her. Like a cold shower you never want to enter, and never want to leave.] - #[When I awoke, I was still looking towards the nightstand, still illuminated by the dinging phone. I looked around just to remember where I was, and started to reckon with the fact that Teresa was not here. Why could her death not be the dream? Why could this not be the nightmare?] - #[I knew that before I could check my phone, I must first do more to ensure that I did not blink again, lest I go through another nightmare.] + #[My mouth gaped. The sight of her face was burned into my memory. I hated both seeing her, and not seeing her. Like a cold shower you never want to enter, and never want to leave.] + #[When I awoke, I was still looking towards the nightstand, still illuminated by the dinging phone. I looked around just to remember where I was, and started to reckon with the fact that Teresa was not there. Why could her death not be the dream? Why could this not be the nightmare?] + #[_Is it my fault she's gone?_] + #[I knew that before I could check my phone, I must first do more to ensure I did not blink again, lest I go through another nightmare.] #[I grabbed some more tape. I cut it into several pieces. I put a couple on my eyelids, and left the rest to the side in preparation for it to come off. I held my hand on the tape to help it last. All the while, my eyes strained to stay as wide as possible. The average person blinks fifteen times every minute, and I was trying to bring that down to zero. Sure sounds impossible, doesn't it? Maybe I was blinking that whole time, and I just didn't notice. But I doubt that would have mattered to me then. I just needed to make sure I didn't see _her_.] #[I picked up the phone to see what the fuss was about. I was careful to make sure the sudden light did not disturb me this time. The notification was for an email I received, telling me about a new comment on an old blog post I wrote.] ] @@ -185,7 +186,7 @@ First edition ]] #p[ - #["God dammit!" I tossed the phone to the other side of the room, hitting a lamp and knocking it over. I didn't care to check if either the lamp or the phone survived. _Why must this be happening?_] + #["God dammit!" I tossed the phone to the other side of the room, hitting a lamp and knocking it over. I didn't care to check if either the lamp or the phone survived. _Why can't she just leave my head?_] #[I buried my face in my hands. _Why did I ever open my phone in the first place?_ The room was so dark already. My hands hid the last of the remaining light. And in the darkness, Teresa's face came to me once again.] ] @@ -197,10 +198,9 @@ First edition #[Teresa was on the phone with her mom. "Yes, we really enjoyed our trip! Right, Frank?" Her eyes turned towards me.] #["Yeah, of course. Lots of good history there."] #["Those last-minute complications with the hotel were annoying, but Frank pulled through, like he always does."] - #[_Oh, right. That._ I finally turned to look towards her. She had that same bright smile I always loved. Her family loves her so much. It's not hard to imagine why. She always made sure to keep in touch with her family, and tell them about all of her great stories.] - // FIXME: this feels too sudden - #[Teresa looked at me, suddenly startled. "Frank, look out!"] - #[I looked ahead to see a car pulled over in front of me. _Oh shit!_ I swerved to the left, and still just barely missed them. I slammed on the brakes. A cascade of car horns and tire squeals ensued. I looked around behind me to see if anyone was hurt. I didn't see any crashed cars, but I did see a lot of angry drivers.] + #[_Oh, right. That._ I finally turned to look towards her. She had that same bright smile I always loved. Her family loved her so much. It's not hard to imagine why. She always made sure to keep in touch with her family, and tell them about all of her great stories.] + #[Teresa looked at me, startled. "Frank, look out!"] + #[I looked ahead to see a car pulled over in front of me. _Oh shit!_ I slammed on the brakes. I swerved to the left, and still just barely missed them. A cascade of car horns and tire squeals ensued. I looked around behind me to see if anyone was hurt. I didn't see any crashed cars, but I did see a lot of angry drivers.] #[Teresa didn't look too happy either. Her face was uncharacteristically neutral. "Hey, let me put you on hold for a sec... Yeah, we're okay. We just need to take care of something real quick." She put down the phone. Then, she turned towards me. "What was that?" she asked sternly. "Were you not paying attention?"] #[My face was down, pressed up against the steering wheel. _What was I thinking?_ I don't think I would've had the heart to look back at her. I responded, quietly, "No, I guess I wasn't."] #["You can't be distracted like this! You go so fast! You could've killed somebody!"] @@ -210,9 +210,9 @@ First edition #[Teresa looked ahead of us, and then back at me. I sighed, and started driving again. Careful not to bump into anything else.] #["So, we're good?" she asked.] #["Yeah, I guess." I let out a deep sigh. "Sorry about that."] - #[We sat in silence for a moment, until Teresa couldn't help but let out a giggle. "Hey, that was kinda funny, wasn't it?"] + #[We drove in silence for a moment, until Teresa couldn't help but let out a giggle. "Hey, that was kinda funny, wasn't it?"] #[As much as I loved seeing her smile, I really didn't know how to respond to that. "Yeah, I guess." That was about all I could muster.] - #[She picked up her phone and rang up her mom again. I guess we took long enough that her mom must've hung up. Or maybe Teresa did. In any case, Teresa called her mom back. She still had a small smile on her face, but not quite the one that I was used to. "Yeah, we're okay. Don't worry about it. No, really, it's okay. Frank handled it. Say, did Jeff get his birthday present yet?"] + #[She picked up her phone and rang up her mom again. I guess we took long enough that her mom must've hung up. Or maybe Teresa did. In any case, Teresa called her mom back. She still had a small smile on her face, but not quite the one I was used to. "Yeah, we're okay. Don't worry about it. No, really, it's okay. Frank handled it. Say, did Jeff get his birthday present yet?"] #[Of course, Teresa would never have willingly told her mom about what happened. She was always so optimistic about the future, and she never dwelled on the past. I remember her being stern the rest of the day, but I never really knew what she was thinking.] ] @@ -221,8 +221,8 @@ First edition #p[ #[_Fuck!_ I turned off the phone, in the hope that I would stop remembering it. It must have been a nice trip, if it was worth writing about. But I don't remember it well now.] - #[I kept wondering what I should have done in that moment. I needed to make sure it didn't happen again. Was it my fault that it happened? Maybe I shouldn't have been going so fast. Maybe I shouldn't have let Teresa distract me. There were so many things that I could've done. God, what if I actually did hurt somebody and didn't see it? I didn't deserve to get away completely unscathed.] - #[I told myself to take deep breaths and to calm down. I tried to do so. But the breaths kept getting quicker and heavier. I nearly brought myself to hyperventilation. I felt like I was going to throw up. I began a gag reflex, tilting my face towards the ground. And as my mouth opened to cough up, my eyes shut closed.] + #[I kept wondering what I should have done in that moment. I needed to make sure it didn't happen again. Was it my fault that it happened? Maybe I shouldn't have been going so fast. Maybe I shouldn't have let Teresa distract me. There were so many things I could've done. God, what if I actually did hurt somebody and didn't see it? I didn't deserve to get way completely unscathed.] + #[I told myself to take deep breaths and to calm down. I tried to do so. But the breaths kept getting quicker and heavier. I felt like I was going to throw up. I began a gag reflex, tilting my face towards the ground. And as my mouth opened to cough up, my eyes shut closed.] ] #show: page-black @@ -235,7 +235,7 @@ First edition #[When we got inside, Teresa was sitting on the couch. Her fingers were already gripping the edge of the wrapping paper. She left the door open behind her, leaving me to close it. "Be patient," I said. "Don't ruin your own wrapping paper."] #[She lifted the package and twisted it to study it more closely. "Is this the paper I made?"] #[I sat down next to her, smiling. "I could only use the best paper."] - #[She carefully peeled the tape off of the package, not wanting the paper to rip. When she finally got it removed, she saw a crochet hook inside. The grip was rounded in the back, and flat on the front. She picked it up and looked at it in awe. "It's surprisingly comfortable. I can't remember the last time I had a hook like it." She gave me a hug, and I hugged her back. "Thank you, honey."] + #[She carefully peeled the tape off of the package, not wanting the paper to rip. When she finally got it removed, she saw an aluminum crochet hook inside. The grip was mostly round, with a flat section in the middle. The tip and edge of the hook was sharp. She picked it up and looked at it in awe. "It's surprisingly comfortable. I can't remember the last time I had a hook like it." She gave me a hug, and I hugged her back. "Thank you, honey."] #["You're very welcome."] #["Oh!" Teresa jumped out of our embrace. "I'm going to get that stocking I was working on and try it out." She started looking around the room for it. "Now, where did I leave it?"] #[I didn't remember where it was either. I tried to remember for a moment, as Teresa searched the house for it.] @@ -258,10 +258,10 @@ First edition #eyes("open") #p[ - #[I made a loud, deep cough, but nothing came out. My breathing slowed down. I didn't vomit. I regained my composure, standing back up straight. I let out a heavy sigh. "What did I do wrong?"] + #[I let out a loud, deep cough, but nothing came out. My breathing slowed down. I didn't vomit. I regained my composure, standing back up straight. I let out a heavy sigh. "What did I do wrong?"] #[_Maybe Teresa was on to something. Maybe crochet would calm me down._ I had helped Teresa on many of her projects, and she taught me much of what she knew. I wasn't up to her level, but I could do something simple, like a square.] #[I walked towards one of the drawers we had in the kitchen. We never had lots of space for her supplies, so we kept it in a kitchen drawer. I took a deep sigh before gathering my materials. I pulled out her crochet hook, a pair of extra-sharp scissors, and a bobbin of hand-dyed yarn. I let out a deep sigh, before carrying all of them back to the couch I had just imagined sitting on. It just had one fewer user now.] - #[I made a loop with my thumb and index finger, and pulled. _Ugh._ I tightened the loop with the hook, making a slipknot. I made the same repetitive motions over and over again. I was bored. My mind drifted. It felt like agony.] + #[I made a loop with my thumb and index finger, and pulled. _Ugh._ I tightened the loop with the hook, making a slipknot. I made the same repetitive motions over and over again. I started playing with the crochet hook, pricking my finger on it like it was a toy. It was hard to focus. My mind drifted. I was bored.] #[In truth, I don't think I ever really cared about crochet. I only ever did it because I wanted to spend time with Teresa. I enjoyed it, but not because of the crochet. Here I was, bored and alone. And at some point, I decided I had enough. It did nothing but remind me of her. I put everything down, for all I could do was weep.] ] @@ -280,7 +280,8 @@ First edition #p(indent: true)[ #[I spent more time in that shower than I wanted to. I just couldn't stop thinking about what I planned to do. I lost track of time. And the warm drops of water felt so good. Even if I couldn't tell which ones came from the showerhead, and which ones came from my face. Teresa and I weren't good for each other. I still believe that to this very day. So many arguments and so much stress. I always said she would be the death of me. The letter on that coffee table might have saved me, or both of us, from each other. But at what cost?] #[Our shower drain was very clogged. I kept trying to fix it. The tub was half full at that point, and I knew it was time to get out. As for what I was going to do...] - #[I think I would have hidden that letter. I'm sure our next conversation would've been traumatic after that. But I did think that being unprepared would be better. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I hardly even was. I just don't know.] + // TODO: should Frank be more convinced that the letter should be hidden? + #[I think I would have hidden that letter. I'm sure our next conversation would've been traumatic after that. But I did think being unprepared would be better. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I hardly even was. I just don't know.] #[I took one very long, deep breath before leaving the bathroom.] #[And Teresa was there.] ] @@ -293,43 +294,45 @@ First edition #p[ #[Her voice wasn't the same either. It was loud. It was broken. There was no hope in it. It said things I wish I never heard.] - #["Do you not love me anymore?"] - #["You're a coward!"] - #["I cannot believe you would give up this easily. I can't believe you wrote this!"] + #[She asked me, "Do you not love me anymore?"] + #[She yelled at me, "You're a coward!"] +] +#set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(5%, 0%, 0%, 100%), cmyk(10%, 0%, 0%, 100%), dir: ttb)) +#p(indent: true)[ + #[She screamed, "I cannot believe you would give up this easily. I can't believe you wrote this!"] ] #p[ #[I wanted to explain. I wanted to tell her how I really felt. But I couldn't think straight. I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't save either of us.] ] -#set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(5%, 0%, 0%, 100%), cmyk(10%, 0%, 0%, 100%), dir: ttb)) #p[ #[Before I knew it, she was gone. She had marched off to the bedroom, locking the door behind her. Her voice wasn't yelling any longer. I could only hear her stomps and whimpers. Her eyes were no longer there to torture me, yet somehow they still did.] ] -#p[.] -#p[..] -#p[_Sigh_] #p[...] -#p[What did I do wrong?] +#p[_Sigh_] +#p[ + #["I fucked up, didn't I?"] +] #show: page-white -#set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(5%, 0%, 0%, 0%), cmyk(0%, 2%, 2%, 0%), dir: ttb)) +#set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(5%, 0%, 0%, 0%), cmyk(0%, 1%, 1%, 0%), dir: ttb)) #eyes("open-tears") #p[ #[I woke up in a panic. The yarn was still on my lap. The scissors were still on the armrest beside me. I didn't know what to think, or what to do. I just kept wondering how I could possibly make that mistake.] ] -#box(fill: black, width: 100%, pad(rest: 0.3in)[ +#pad(top: 0.15in, box(fill: black, width: 100%, pad(rest: 0.3in)[ #set text(fill: white, size: 11pt) #align(center, image("eye-closed" + ".svg", width: 25%)) #p[ #[I saw Teresa weeping behind the door. She must have wondered how she got so unlucky to end up with me. How did I get so stupid to let go of her?] ] -]) +])) -#set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(0%, 0%, 1%, 1%), cmyk(0%, 2%, 2%, 0%), dir: ttb)) +#set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(0%, 1%, 1%, 0%), cmyk(0%, 2%, 2%, 0%), dir: ttb)) #p[ - #[Of course that wasn't the best I could do. I only hurt both of us. I could've done anything else, and I picked the worst choice.] + #[I paced around the room. Of course that wasn't the best I could do! I only hurt both of us. I could've done anything else, and I picked the worst choice.] ] #p[] @@ -342,22 +345,24 @@ First edition ]) #p[ - #[I didn't really want to leave her! I could never say what I wanted to say to her face. She was right about one thing. I tried to leave because I was a coward! She was right about so many things.] - #[The visions kept coming. They wouldn't leave me. All I wanted was for the visions to leave me alone.] + #[I punched the coffee table. I didn't really want to leave her! I could never say what I wanted to say to her face. She was right about one thing. I tried to leave because I was a coward! She was right about so many things.] ] - #set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(0%, 2%, 2%, 0%), cmyk(0%, 4%, 4%, 0%), dir: ttb)) -#box(fill: black, width: 100%, pad(x: 0.3in, top: 0.1in, bottom: 0.3in)[ +#p(indent: true)[ + #[The nightmares kept coming. They wouldn't leave me. All I wanted was for the nightmares to leave me alone.] +] + +#pad(top: 0.15in, box(fill: black, width: 100%, pad(x: 0.3in, top: 0.1in, bottom: 0.3in)[ #set text(fill: white) #p[ #[Teresa and I were in a warm embrace. She whispered to me, "Don't worry so much, Frank. No matter what, we'll always be together. And I love every moment we're together."] ] -]) +])) #p[ #[_Dammit, what was I thinking?!_] - #[Why can't all my memories be like that? Teresa. That smile. Those eyes. Your joy. I just wanted to feel that again. I tried to. I closed my eyes again, hoping that I would see her happy.] + #[Why can't all my memories be like that? Teresa. That smile. Those eyes. Your joy. I just wanted to feel that from you again. I tried to. I closed my eyes again, hoping I would see you happy.] ] #set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(0%, 4%, 4%, 0%), cmyk(0%, 8%, 8%, 0%), dir: ttb)) @@ -373,8 +378,7 @@ First edition ] #p[ - #[I wasn't thinking straight. All I wanted was for the visions to stop. But my eyes couldn't stop showing them to me. In the absence of the light, all I could see was her. The scissors I needed were still on the armrest. It was stupid. So stupid, but I could only think of one thing to do. Hell, I didn't even think. It was instinct.] - #[I picked the scissors up, and thrust them into both my eyes.] + #[I wasn't thinking straight. All I wanted was for the visions to stop. But my eyes couldn't stop showing them to me. In the absence of the light, all I could see was her. The scissors I needed were still on the armrest. It was stupid. So stupid, but I could only think of one thing to do. Hell, I didn't even think. It was instinct. I picked the scissors up, and thrust them into both my eyes.] ] #show: page-black @@ -403,18 +407,17 @@ First edition #p[ #[I was in the living room, slowly, but surely, unpacking my things. Teresa had just told me how she felt, and I was inclined to believe her. I felt like such an idiot. So much effort was wasted. And what came of it? How was I supposed to face her now?] + #[I was grateful, in a way. Because of her, I was still here. Maybe she could've been calmer. Maybe she could avoid the yelling. But that wouldn't be the Teresa I know.] #[I heard the bedroom door creak open. I sighed, dreading what I was about to see. But I didn't sense any anger from her. I heard her whimper from beyond the door. I turned to see her just barely peeking through. Teresa got startled. She hid her face behind the door, and then slowly emerged from it.] - #[She wiped a tear from her eye. "You're not?" She opened the door, and walked through, still keeping her distance from me. I just shook my head.] - #["Thank you." She slowly walked towards the porch. I guessed that she just wanted some fresh air. "I-" She didn't finish her sentence. Instead, she paused before starting to open the door.] + #[She wiped a tear from her eye. "You're not?" She opened the door, and walked through, still keeping her distance from me. I just shook my head. "Thank you," she said. She slowly walked towards the porch. I guessed she just wanted some fresh air. "I-" She didn't finish her sentence. Instead, she paused before starting to open the door.] #[I decided to finish her sentence for her. "I love you."] - #[She looked down and started crying. "I love you too." She walked out the door.] + #[She looked down and started crying. "I love you too." She looked at the door. "I'm going to go out for a drive. Maybe that will calm me down."] + #["Are you sure?"] + #[Teresa looked down towards the doorknob. "Yes." She took a beat. "I'll be okay."] ] #p[ - #[Teresa walked to the driveway and got in the car. She was hoping that a drive would calm her down. She took a beat before starting the engine. She must've wondered if it was the best idea to be driving in her state. But for one reason or another, she decided to take off.] - // FIXME: Maybe she should try at least considering this sooner. Her arc is - // kinda rushed right now. - #[She drove for hours as it got darker and darker. She wondered what happened between us to make me so miserable. She struggled to remember all the arguments we had. Of course she didn't remember. She never thinks about the past. When the sky was fully black, she started to weep. _I'm sorry I made you want to leave,_ she thought.] + #[Teresa drove for hours as it got darker and darker. She wondered what happened between us to make me so miserable. She struggled to remember all the arguments we had. Of course she didn't remember. She never thought about the past. When the sky was fully black, she started to weep. _I'm sorry I made you want to leave,_ she thought.] ] #p[ |