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Diffstat (limited to 'main.typ')
| -rw-r--r-- | main.typ | 60 |
1 files changed, 31 insertions, 29 deletions
@@ -137,7 +137,7 @@ First edition #eyes("open") #p[ #[I had been awake for nearly 23 hours now, and yet I was still dreaming.] - #[Oh Teresa, how I miss you. As hard as I'ved tried, I could not get you out of my head. I want you to come back. But I needed you to go away.] + #[Oh Teresa, how I miss you. As hard as I'ved tried, I could not get you out of my head. I wanted you to come back. But I needed you to go away.] #[Every time I closed my eyes I saw you. I would blink and in the darkness, it was your face I saw.] #[I always wondered what should I have done? Is there something I could've done to keep you here? Oh, if only I could go back, I'd think of something to keep you beside me. To think I let you go so easily. I wouldn't let it happen again, I swear!] #[I wished I could just stop thinking of you. I thought it might be better if I had never known you. All those memories feel so tainted now. For a time, I did not want them. I went through so much trouble for you, and I could go through so much more, but I've never felt anything like what I felt after you passed.] @@ -152,13 +152,13 @@ First edition #p[ #[I found myself stretched out across a couch. Ths sun was shining bright that day. I had to cover my eyes to keep it out. I let out a yawn, and stretched out my arms and legs. One of my legs bumped into something. I looked ahead to see my beautiful Teresa, looking back at me.] #["Good morning, Frank!" she said, in the sweetest voice I have ever heard. "Did you have a nice nap?"] - #["Yep," I groaned, as I got myself sat up next to her. She had a sketchpad in her hands. It contained a half-finished drawing of what looked to me like a teenage boy. "What are you working on?"] + #["Yep," I groaned, as I got myself sat up next to her. She had a sketchpad in her hands. It contained a half-finished drawing of what looked to me like a teenage boy, but I've never been good at telling that sort of thing. "What are you working on?"] #["Oh?" She looked down at her drawing. "This is my brother. His birthday is coming up, and I thought this might make a good present."] #["Oh yeah, Jeff." I was still struggling to wake myself up from my nap.] #[Teresa put down the sketchpad on the armrest next to her, then turned towards me. She always has the best smile on her face. She could get excited over literally anything. My waking up was probably the highlight of her day. "So, did you get those tickets?"] #["Huh?" My brain was still waking up. "Oh yeah, those. I got them yesterday." We were planning a trip to Spain as a vacation. We both loved to travel. I guess we both liked to see the different cultures and learn from them. "I also checked, and the hotel we were looking at is pretty close to the airport, so we shouldn't have trouble walking there if we need to. I also got the hotel reservation."] #["Great!" Teresa practically squealed with excitement. She leaned over to hug me. "It seems like you got everything covered for us. It'll be a great trip!" She left a kiss on my cheek, in exchange for my proactivity.] - #["As long as we don't get stranded at the airport again..." Our last trip had us up all night, waiting for any plane that would take us. There was nothing I could do to prevent that.] + #["As long as we don't get stranded at the airport again..." I groaned, for that was one thing that I could not prevent. Our last trip had us up all night, waiting for any plane that would take us.] #["Oh, quit your worrying!" She stroked my cheek. "That's not gonna happen again!" That was just a one-time thing.] #[With the benefit of hindsight, she was right, but I wasn't convinced at the time. "Alright," I said reluctantly. "I'll stop worrying."] ] @@ -171,7 +171,7 @@ First edition #[My mouth gaped open. The sight of her face was burned into my memory. I hated both seeing her, and not seeing her. Like a cold shower you never want to enter, and never want to leave.] #[When I awoke, I was still looking towards the nightstand, still illuminated by dinging phone. I looked around just to remember where I was, and started to reckon with the fact that Teresa was not here. Why could her death not be the dream? Why could this not be the nightmare?] #[I knew that before I could check my phone, I must first do more to ensure that I did not blink again, lest I go through another nightmare.] - #[I grabbed some more tape. I cut it into several pieces. I put a couple on my eyelids, and left the rest to the side in preparation for it to come off. I held my hand on the tape to help it last. All the while my eyes strained to stay as wide as possible. The average person blinks 15 times every minute, and I was trying to bring that down to zero. Sure sounds impossible in retrospect, doesn't it? In truth, maybe I was blinking that whole time and I just didn't notice most of them. But I doubt that would have mattered to me then. I just needed to make sure I didn't see _her_.] + #[I grabbed some more tape. I cut it into several pieces. I put a couple on my eyelids, and left the rest to the side in preparation for it to come off. I held my hand on the tape to help it last. All the while my eyes strained to stay as wide as possible. The average person blinks 15 times every minute, and I was trying to bring that down to zero. Sure sounds impossible, doesn't it? Maybe I was blinking that whole time and I just didn't notice. But I doubt that would have mattered to me then. I just needed to make sure I didn't see _her_.] #[I picked up the phone to see what the fuss was about. I was careful to make sure the sudden light did not disturb me this time. The notification was for an email I received, telling me about a new comment on an old blog post I wrote.] ] @@ -184,7 +184,7 @@ First edition #p[ #[This was just about the worst message I could have received at this time.] #[I gritted my teeth, and let out a small yell. I wondered why I ever opened the phone in the first place.] - #[I tossed the phone to the other side of the room, hitting a lamp and knocking it over. I honestly didn't care to check whether either the lamp or the phone survived.] + #[I tossed the phone to the other side of the room, hitting a lamp and knocking it over. I didn't care to check if either the lamp or the phone survived.] #[In a stroke of foolishness, I buried my face in my hands. The room was so dark already. My hands hid the last of the remaining light. And in the darkness, Teresa's face came to me once again.] ] @@ -225,7 +225,7 @@ _Crap, I'm driving._ #eyes("open") #p[ - #[That wasn't the best moment to remember. I turned off the phone, in the hope that I would stop remembering it. It must have been a nice trip, if it was worth writing about. And I can't say that I don't remember it well now. But the journey couldn't have been that great. I didn't think that was something I needed then.] + #[Fuck! I turned off the phone, in the hope that I would stop remembering it. It must have been a nice trip, if it was worth writing about. But I don't remember it well now.] #[I kept wondering what I should have done in that moment. I needed to make sure it didn't happen again. Was it my fault that it happened? Maybe I shouldn't have been going so fast. Maybe I shouldn't have let Teresa distract me. There were so many things that I could've done. Who knows how each scenario would play out?] #[I told myself to take deep breaths to calm down. I tried to do so. But the breaths kept getting quicker and heavier. I nearly brought myself to hyperventilation. I felt like I was going to throw up. I began a gag reflex, tilting my face towards the ground, and closing my eyes.] ] @@ -263,11 +263,10 @@ _Crap, I'm driving._ #p[ #[I made a loud, deep cough, but nothing came out. My breathing slowed down. I didn't vomit. I regained my composure, standing back up straight. I let out a heavy sigh.] - #[Then I started thinking. _Crochet! That's a great idea. Maybe that will calm me down._ I had helped Teresa on many of her projects, and she taught me much of what she knew. I wasn't up to her level, but I could do something simple, like a square.] - #[I walked towards one of the drawers we had in the kitchen. We never had lots of space for her supplies, so we kept it in a kitchen drawer. I pulled out her crochet hook, a pair of extra-sharp scissors, and a bobbin of hand-dyed yarn. I carried all of them back to the couch I had just imagined sitting on, but with one fewer user.] - #[I made a loop with my thumb and index finger, and pulled. I tightened the loop with the hook, making a slipknot.] - // FIXME: This realization needs to be foreshadowed, or at least eased into. - #[I think I made a realization at that moment. In truth, I don't think I ever really cared about crochet. I only ever did it because I wanted to spend time with Teresa. I enjoyed it, but not because of the crochet. And here I was, bored and alone. And after some point, I decided I had enough. It did nothing but remind me of her. I put everything down, for all I could do was weep.] + #[_You know, maybe Teresa was on to something. Maybe that will calm me down._ I had helped Teresa on many of her projects, and she taught me much of what she knew. I wasn't up to her level, but I could do something simple, like a square.] + #[I walked towards one of the drawers we had in the kitchen. We never had lots of space for her supplies, so we kept it in a kitchen drawer. I took a deep sigh before gathering my materials. I pulled out her crochet hook, a pair of extra-sharp scissors, and a bobbin of hand-dyed yarn. I carried all of them back to the couch I had just imagined sitting on, but with one fewer user.] + #[I made a loop with my thumb and index finger, and pulled. I tightened the loop with the hook, making a slipknot. I made the same repetitive motions over and over again. I was bored. My mind drifted. It felt like agony.] + #[In truth, I don't think I ever really cared about crochet. I only ever did it because I wanted to spend time with Teresa. I enjoyed it, but not because of the crochet. And here I was, bored and alone. And after some point, I decided I had enough. It did nothing but remind me of her. I put everything down, for all I could do was weep.] ] #p[ @@ -278,14 +277,14 @@ _Crap, I'm driving._ #eyes("closed-tear") #p[ - #[I held a letter in my hand, addressed to my darling Teresa. I kept debating whether or not I should even hand it to her. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe there was something else I could do. I couldn't help but wonder if I was doing more harm than good. I held my hand over my face. Teresa was still getting lunch with her sister. I had time to reconsider what I was doing. I already had a suitcase packed, leaning against the wall next to the door. I had no idea how Teresa might react to what I wanted to say.] - #[I crumpled the letter in my hand and left it on the coffee table. I decided I would take a shower to think it over. I'd be out before she got home.] + #[I held a letter in my hand, addressed to my darling Teresa. I kept debating whether or not I should even hand it to her. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe there was something else I could do. Maybe I was doing more harm than good. I held my hand over my face. Teresa was still getting lunch with her sister. I had time to reconsider what I was doing. I already had a suitcase packed, leaning against the wall next to the door. I had no idea how Teresa might react to what I wanted to say.] + #[I crumpled the letter in my hand and left it on the coffee table. I could just take a shower to think it over. I'd be out before she got home.] ] #set page(fill: gradient.linear(black, cmyk(5%, 0%, 0%, 100%), dir: ttb)) #p(indent: true)[ #[I spent more time in that shower than I wanted to. I just couldn't stop thinking about what I planned to do. I lost track of time. And the warm drops of water felt so good. Even if I couldn't tell which ones came from the showerhead. Teresa and I weren't good for each other. I still believe that to this very day. So many arguments and so much stress. I always said she would be the death of me. The letter on that coffee table might have saved me, or both of us, from each other. But at what cost?] #[Our shower drain was very clogged. I kept trying to fix it. The tub was half full at that point, and I knew it was time to get out. As for what I was going to do...] - #[I think I would have hidden that letter. I'm sure our next conversation would've been traumatic after that. But I did think that being transparent and unprepared would be better. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I hardly even was. I just don't know.] + #[I think I would have hidden that letter. I'm sure our next conversation would've been traumatic after that. But I did think that being unprepared would be better. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I hardly even was. I just don't know.] ] #p(indent: true)[ #[I took one very long deep breath before leaving the bathroom.] @@ -304,9 +303,12 @@ _Crap, I'm driving._ #["You're a coward!"] #["I cannot believe you would give up this easily. I can't believe you wrote this!"] ] +#p[ + #[I wanted to explain. I wanted to tell her how I really felt. But I couldn't think straight. I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't save either of us.] +] #set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(5%, 0%, 0%, 100%), cmyk(10%, 0%, 0%, 100%), dir: ttb)) #p[ - #[Before I knew it, she was gone. She had marched off to the bedroom, locking the door behind her. Her voice wasn't yelling any longer. I could only hear her stomps and whimpers. Her eyes were no longer there to torture me, yet somehow I could still see them.] + #[Before I knew it, she was gone. She had marched off to the bedroom, locking the door behind her. Her voice wasn't yelling any longer. I could only hear her stomps and whimpers. Her eyes were no longer there to torture me, yet somehow they still did.] ] #p[.] @@ -320,8 +322,7 @@ _Crap, I'm driving._ #eyes("open-tears") #p[ - // FIXME: Didn't Frank put down his tools before he started weeeping? - #[I woke up in a panic. The yarn was still on my lap. The crochet hook was still in my hand. The scissors were still on the armrest beside me. I didn't know what to think, or what to do. I just kept wondering how I could possibly make that mistake.] + #[I woke up in a panic. The yarn was still on my lap. The scissors were still on the armrest beside me. I didn't know what to think, or what to do. I just kept wondering how I could possibly make that mistake.] ] #box(fill: black, width: 100%, pad(rest: 0.3in)[ @@ -347,8 +348,8 @@ _Crap, I'm driving._ ]) #p[ - #[I didn't really want to leave her! In truth, I could never say what I wanted to say to her face. It's like she said. I tried to leave because I was a coward!] - #[These visions just wouldn't leave me alone. All I wanted was for them to leave me alone.] + #[I didn't really want to leave her! I could never say what I wanted to say to her face. She was right about one thing. I tried to leave because I was a coward! She was right about so many things.] + #[They won't leave me. All I wanted was for the visions to leave me alone.] ] #set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(0%, 2%, 2%, 0%), cmyk(0%, 4%, 4%, 0%), dir: ttb)) @@ -361,14 +362,14 @@ _Crap, I'm driving._ #p[ - #[That last one was actually nice. Teresa. That smile. Those eyes. Your joy. I just wanted to feel that again. I tried to. I closed my eyes again, hoping that I would see her happy.] + #[Dammit, that last one was actually nice. Why can't all my memories be like that? Teresa. That smile. Those eyes. Your joy. I just wanted to feel that again. I tried to. I closed my eyes again, hoping that I would see her happy.] ] #set page(fill: gradient.linear(cmyk(0%, 4%, 4%, 0%), cmyk(0%, 8%, 8%, 0%), dir: ttb)) #pad(top: .15in, box(fill: cmyk(100%, 100%, 100%, 100%), width: 100%, pad(top: 0.15in, rest: 0.3in)[ #set text(fill: white) #p[ - #[Teresa looked at me through from the driver's seat of the car. Her eyes held so much hatred. "You really hate me, huh? Maybe I should just kill myself. Then we'll see how you feel."] + #[Her eyes held so much hatred. Teresa looked at me. "You really hate me, huh? Maybe I should just kill myself. Then we'll see how you feel."] ] ])) @@ -377,15 +378,16 @@ _Crap, I'm driving._ ] #p[ - #[I wasn't thinking straight. All I wanted was for the visions to stop. But my eyes couldn't stop showing me these horrors. In the absence of light, all I could see was her. It was stupid, but I could only think of one thing to do. Hell, I didn't even think. It was just instinct.] - #[The scissors I needed were still on the armrest. I picked them up, opened them, and thrust them into both eyes simultaneously.] + #[I wasn't thinking straight. All I wanted was for the visions to stop. But my eyes couldn't stop showing them to me. In the absence of the light, all I could see was her. The scissors I needed were still on the armrest. It was stupid. So stupid, but I could only think of one thing to do. Hell, I didn't even think. It was instinct.] + #[I picked the scissors up, and thrust them into both my eyes.] ] #show: page-black #set page(fill: cmyk(0%, 100%, 0%, 100%)) #p[ - #[Everything was dark. All I could see was Teresa. Biggest mistake of my life.] + #[Everything was dark. All I could see was Teresa.] + #[That was a mistake.] #[I had just realized I was hyperventilating. My breathing started to slow down.] #["Teresa, come back to me. I don't know what I did wrong, but if I could go back, I'd find a way to fix everything. I don't know what I need to do. But I would do it if only I could learn! I could save you!"] #[No response came to me. Not from Teresa, nor my visions, nor the neighbors, who probably heard me scream.] @@ -406,18 +408,18 @@ _Crap, I'm driving._ #p[ #[I was in the living room, slowly, but surely, unpacking my things. Teresa had just told me how she felt, and I was inclined to believe her. I felt like such an idiot. So much effort was wasted. And what came of it? How was I supposed to face her now?] - #[I heard the bedroom door creak open. I sighed, dreading what I was about to see. But I didn't sense any anger from her. I only heard her whimper from beyond the door. I turned to see her just barely peeking through. Teresa got startled. She hid her face behind the door, and then slowly emerged from it.] - #[She wiped a tear from her eye. "You're not?" She walked out of the bedroom, still keeping her distance from me. I just shook my head.] - #["Thank you... I-" She didn't finish her sentence. She slowly walked towards the porch. I guessed that she just wanted some fresh air.] + #[I heard the bedroom door creak open. I sighed, dreading what I was about to see. But I didn't sense any anger from her. I heard her whimper from beyond the door. I turned to see her just barely peeking through. Teresa got startled. She hid her face behind the door, and then slowly emerged from it.] + #[She wiped a tear from her eye. "You're not?" She opened the door, and walked through, still keeping her distance from me. I just shook my head.] + #["Thank you." She slowly walked towards the porch. I guessed that she just wanted some fresh air. "I-" She didn't finish her sentence. She paused and started to open the door.] #[I decided to finish her sentence for her. "I love you."] #[She looked down and started crying. "I love you too." She walked out the door.] ] #p[ - #[Teresa was hoping that a car drive would calm her down, so she got in the car. She took a beat before starting the engine. She must've wondered if it was the best idea to be driving in her state. But for one reason or another, she decided to take off.] + #[Teresa walked to the driveway and got in the car. She was hoping that a car drive would calm her down. She took a beat before starting the engine. She must've wondered if it was the best idea to be driving in her state. But for one reason or another, she decided to take off.] // FIXME: Maybe she should try at least considering this sooner. Her arc is // kinda rushed right now. - #[She drove for hours as it got darker and darker. She pondered her own actions. She wondered what happened between us to make me so miserable. She struggled to remember all the arguments we had. Of course she didn't remember. She never thinks about the past. And when the sky was fully black, she closed for eyes for a second to weep. _I'm sorry I made you want to leave,_ she thought.] + #[She drove for hours as it got darker and darker. She wondered what happened between us to make me so miserable. She struggled to remember all the arguments we had. Of course she didn't remember. She never thinks about the past. When the sky was fully black, she started to weep. _I'm sorry I made you want to leave,_ she thought.] ] #p[ |